I’m in love with these cherry Dr Martens! And I’ve only just noticed they’re pretty much the same colour as my hair.
So yeah, today I’m a material girl, rocking my cherry shoes, scoring some last-minute sales. Retail therapy can make me feel so good!
It’s weird, but looking at myself in new things which are 80% off, can really give me a self-confidence boost. Hey, look at that, I feel pretty in this! AND it’s only 15 euros. You’re coming with me!
I wasn’t always as confident as I am now. I used to be really self-conscious, hiding away in baggy, way too comfortable clothes. Standing out was dangerous: you got hurt. People hurt.
Looking at myself now, with my red hair en red shoes and happy clothes and this new sense of ‘no bullshit’… well, it reminds me of the long way I’ve come. It reminds me of the fact that I’m creating my own happiness and my own place in this world.
Yesterday I met some people who hadn’t seen me in 5 years. They actually used the word ‘metamorphosis’ and told me I looked really well. And that the hair suited me.
(They met me when my hair was light brown and waist-length, so the hair gave them quite the shock 😀 They didn’t recognise me at first!)
Meeting people from the past is hard. It’s so easy to fall back into the background where those people were used to seeing me. It’s hard to fight that defensive attitude. I still have it with people I meet. I still mentally classify them under ‘nice, could become a friend’; ‘dangerous, this person will probably hurt me one way or the other’ or ‘undecided, must keep an eye on this person’. I mostly use 1 and 2 and then sit back and wait until they make a move which confirms my initial analysis.
I’m really quiet and closed while this process is going on and I’ve heard people describe me as ‘ice queen’ and ‘arrogant’, while all I was trying to do was figuring out the other’s intent. People who stick around, get to know me as a fiery person, warm, loving, impatient, stubborn… A typical Aries, in fact :D.
Lately I try to drop the defensive attitude, figuring that the combination of assertiveness and being nice will automatically repel the people I won’t like and attract the people I do like.
The shoes helped me, made sure I stayed the same person, in stead of regressing into the person I was 5-6-7 years ago. They remind me of the things I’ve realised on my own, that I don’t need other people’s opinions (that much) anymore.
It’s funny, this week I’ve had ‘hair-related’ compliments by six different people. A couple of years ago I would have never dared to stand out like this, being subjected to people’s comments like this.
I would have never dared to walk around with my alphonse-scarf, or wear an orange coat.
So walking around with these boots is a constant reminder of my progress. Worth the blisters of breaking them in.
And to use the words of that other Doctor: